I haven't fasted in almost two years. A few days ago I had a strong desire to. I know I'm still nursing and shouldn't be fasting, but its towards the end so I wasn't too worried. I went two full days on water only and was doing fine, and I thought it was much easier than I thought it should be. However, I went about it all wrong though. I remained focused on the physical aspects, cleansing, health, how long can I go... and forgot that the entire reason should have been to spend more time with God, focusing on my relationship with Him. To fellowship and commune with him when my soul has subdued my flesh and is in control for a time. To have a clearer mind when facing upcoming temptations, trials and hardship... so I failed. I'm sorry Father, I should have been doing it for you.
Now I know why it was so easy. I feel God was trying to help me stick to it longer. I felt like God was trying to help me grow my spiritual muscles and my faith, to prepare me for something; however, I let the little thoughts creap into my mind, "did God really want you to fast" , "you are a nursing mother" "what good are you doing". Thus ending my fast much too short to benifit from it what I believe God had intended. Im positive it was God, why else would I have told David about the fast? I had suggested to him that we do one together, I felt there was a need for me to do one, but WITH David. I dont usually tell him what to do, but I had a thought and that it was for BOTH of us to do together. I didn't know how long I needed to fast but knew when it was time to end I knew I would know... now look what happened...
First I woke up at 5:00am, the 48 hour mark with bad symptoms, shakes, throwing up n dry heaving, massive stomach pain, head ache, FEAR that I was starving to death, that I was going to end up in the hospital for doing something so stupid while nursing... so I imedeately sat down and gorged myself on two bowls of cheerios!! And when back to bed. Shortly therof I had horrible stomach pain, like the flu! shouldnt have eaten those cheerios. I realized that i ended my fast with the wrong choice of food, so i quickly looked on the internet for "how to end a fast". I immediately came across an article going into details about the WHY to fast in the first place: for God. and so I realized my error. He wanted me to do this for a reason, I didn't know why but I failed. I should have been praying and praising and reading the bible and meditating on HIM. That's what went wrong. Sure enough at the end of the article it said the first things to eat after a fast, so I did the boiled tomato thing and I felt much better IMEDEATELY. just needed some acid in my stomach and humbling and remorse in my heart. That night at 3:00am i woke up with my "left side" empty but the "right one" engorged! painful hot red swollen, so i imedeately went to the bathroom and expressed as much as I could, and took my massive herbal regimen. Another reminder that I should be praying. but i didn't listen. a few days go by...
We got some news yesterday... potentially VERY BAD news. Now I know why all of this was happening. God was trying to get my heart close to his, very very close. I believe EVERY situation in life God is watching us for our reaction, and that is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. How are we going to respond? This same thought was laid upon my heart just a little while ago. Where is my heart right now? What should my thoughts and responce be?
We had somthing like this happend a few months ago, I'll write about that next post...
David took me in our bedroom and told be briefly what was going on, and let me tell you, my heart was not ready for that news. I have heard of a saying that "your past can come back to get you" well that is sorta what happened. My mind when crazy and thought all the worst case scenarios and what am I going to do if anything happened? I was immediately filled with fear... not the peace that could have been there. It was then that this whole situation came into perspective.... Ahah! Now I know why you wanted me to fast God, now I know why you wanted me to draw near to you, now I know what I was supposed to be praying for "David" in this trial we are about to face... Last month I felt like it was ME specifically God was watching when we were facing that last HUGE HORRIBLE TRIAL!!! This time it feels like God is watching David. I dont feel like it has anything to do with me, except I am supposed to be loving him and supporting him and praying for him. God just wants to know where David's heart is... just testing him, watching his actions. Either way I know I will be fine, that the most important thing right now is to draw closer to God and hide under his umbrella of protection...
I love you David. I wish I could make everything bad in this world dissapear, but instead I'm going to pray: "Lord that thy will be done, not mine... you know what is best for David, better than I do. If he needs to learn a lesson, or grow spiritually... you know what he needs, just let me know what to do to help"
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